Being discontented in relationships is no fun. Especially when all you can see or hear around you is negative or spiteful words. The question is though – is it all their words or actions that are the cause of your discontent? Or could your thoughts, words, or actions need some adjusting in how you respond to them? Stick with me here. This is a hard topic and it goes straight to the heart.
Discontented in Relationships: The Signs of an Unhappy Relationship
People are more discontented in their relationships than in previous years. In preparing for this topic, I found that people are doing more searches for information about being discontented in relationships. It is about 110% more increased than eight years ago. Why could people be more unhappy in their relationships?
There are many different answers to this question. The world is going to give you the answers: he or she isn’t the right one so you need to end an unhappy relationship. Or they will say to look into yourself and determine if they are genetically the right person for you. Therefore, you need to change who you pursue or adjust your gender with hormones or surgery. These answers will lead to more unhappiness and pain.
A different perspective
At God’s Plan Guided Steps, we look to God who is the source of all life as the Creator. And the source of all truth because He is truth. Jesus said,
“I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”
John 14:6 ESV
The root cause of an unhappy relationship is that contentment is based on satisfying self. And our satisfaction in this life is not found in ourselves but in God.
The focus needs to be redirected to a relationship with God. We look for acceptance from others, including a spouse. But our worth and contentment are found in acceptance from God.
Where are you in your relationship with God? If you haven’t found peace with God, it is time to do that. Or maybe you have heard of Him but do not KNOW Him. Peace with God gives us hope for the future and where we will spend eternity. But right now, we can have a relationship with Him that gives us peace right here and right now when guarding our hearts with all diligence.
Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.
Proverbs 4:23 ESV
Discontented in Relationship: What to do when unhappy in relationships
When we are feeling unsatisfied in a relationship, we need to take action on those feelings. But before we move on to looking at how to do that. I want to exercise caution here. If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek professional help and shelter. NO ONE deserves to be treated that way. You are precious in God’s sight and He would want you safe and healthy. Seek help now.
Take some time to think about it. Determine why you are discontented in your relationship with your spouse. And then take action by doing one or all of these actions.
5 Actions to Do When You’re Unhappy in a Relationship
1. Talk to your Spouse
Communication in 3D is so important! That is short for – communicate, communicate, and then communicate some more! The majority of the time, probably 90% or more, when my husband and I disagree or argue about something, it is due to a communication issue.
If you are unhappy with something in your relationship, talk to your spouse. And do it in a kind and loving manner. Not yelling, or calling them names. These tactics are not productive and they are hurtful.
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Ephesians 4:29 ESV
2. Pray for Your Spouse
While there isn’t a specific verse about praying for your spouse, this verse is appropriate as we are urged to pray for everyone.
I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people.
1 Timothy 2:1 ESV
I have a friend whose husband was suffering from an addiction. She was praying for him to change his behavior and asked many of us to pray. Then he became ill and was unable to walk. Through therapy, her care, and answers to prayer, he recovered and got better. And he gave up his addiction.
I told her a few weeks ago that he was looking good, and walking without a walker. And when I chatted with him, he told me he felt better too. She was thankful for everyone’s prayers and admitted to me that she prayed out loud so he could hear her. 😊 And he is more interested in the Lord. He is a walking testimony of how continual prayer for a loved one can make a big difference in their life.
3. Adjust Your Response
In accepted by God, we learned that words matter. We need to be careful in what we say so that the words are kind and not hurtful.
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
Psalm 19:14 ESV
As Christians, we need to respond to others with kindness and goodness. And I know this is hard to do! I struggle with this one. Like a cat, the claws want to come out and fight back. However, saying mean and spiteful words in return is not productive and will cause hurt in your relationship.
If we have thoughts before we speak that are not honoring to God, we should take those thoughts captive to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). We need to be slow to speak (James 1:19) and think about what we will say before we speak. I have prayed before we speak and while the other person is speaking, I will ask God to give me the words to say that will help build up the other person instead of tearing them down.
4. Pray for Yourself
Often times when I am discontented with a relationship, I am focused on what the other person needs to change. But we are not responsible for the other person’s actions. We are responsible for our own actions. Jesus said,
“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?
Matthew 7:1-3 ESV
If I find myself thinking about how angry I am with my husband or the other person that I am unhappy with, I need to take a step back and think about what I can change or improve in this situation. I find that I have responded with unkindness. And I need to change that. I am the one that will have to account for what I say or do when I stand before God.
5. Seek Community or a Local Support Group
If you are struggling, reach out to others. Join a support group or a couples group at church. Go on a couple’s retreat together. Find ways to work out the issues so you can enjoy your relationship together.
And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.
Hebrews 10:24-25 ESV
We were made for being in community with each other. Our church is a community and family. Lean on each other for support. That is what having a church family is about.
True Contentment in God Alone
Remember, that your contentment is found in God alone. Others around you won’t fill that hole in your heart, only God can do that (Ecclesiastes 3:11). If you are discontented in your relationships, then take these five steps to work together to enjoy each other’s company again.
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